Friday, March 9, 2012

Sea of Brokenness

Lord, I am drowning in the brokenness that surrounds me wondering how You will redeem this, how You will heal her, how You will sift beauty from these ashes I seem to be choking on.  There is a sea of crumbling marriages, dying friends, barren women, bankrupt souls.  And, when I prayed break my heart for what breaks Yours, is this when I started seeing it? Have I been enfolded in it this whole time but only now you have removed the scales so I can see it in full. No more Saul, now I’m Paul.   

This heart is crying out for theirs… what can I do? 

That’s it, right, Lord?  I can’t take the weight of the world on my shoulders… it’s far too big and that is Your burden to bear.  Thank you Lord. And yet, You invite me in.  Because there is a miracle by Your hand to witness.  You open my eyes wide to see Your face more clearly, more radiant, more certain.  I see Your undeniable presence in the most desperate of circumstances. And I find myself dodging the falling rocks as You move the mountains. 

I am intimately acquainted with the hopelessness of these circumstances You have shown me and when I thought there was no way, I witness the reconciliation, deliverance, healing, a fertile womb, redemption.  I witness the dead being raised.  But when I close my eyes to the need, I miss the resurrection.  Lord show me more.  Break my heart for what breaks Yours.  Take what I have known... and break it all apart.  This is beautiful. You. are. beautiful.

I want to see His glory. I want to enter in. But I struggle with this God who lives outside of time and here I am with calendar squares to serve His people and how does it match up… to serve in time for eternity.  A balance I’ll never master.  This margin that is required to live for Christ.  Because I schedule things by the quarter hour and there are needs by the minute and I want all my labor to be for eternity.  But wait…

I realize that all is grace because He offers the opportunity, invites us in and there is no time budget.  I either accept and witness or I miss it, I miss the miracle.  And sometimes, His miracle isn’t the marriage restored, or the friend healed, or the barren womb made fertile. It's my bankrupt soul He is making rich, filling to overflowing.  Sometimes, the miracle happens within me.  Sometimes, it is me He is stretching, scarring, changing for eternity right inside the squares of time.  Because we are all a work in holiness. 

Give me the courage, Lord, to go where You ask, to serve as unto You, to love who You love... in Your timing not mine.

I gaze out into this sea of brokenness hoping for God to rain down His mercy because I like perfect, I like happily-ever-after.  But perfect leaves no room for growth.  It assumes there is no need for change, no need for the cross.  And that is the real brokenness.  When I examine another person’s life and assume they are more broken than I am, their soul is more bankrupt than mine.  The reality is I’m not on the shore of this sea of brokenness.  I’m just part of it. 

And really, no matter what happens in these squares of time, if we are in Christ, we all get happily ever after.